MOM- JOB DESCRIPTION
http://sfglobe.com/?id=18266&src=bottomxpromo&plt=1419134879&pid=18962
MOM- JOB DESCRIPTION
http://sfglobe.com/?id=18266&src=bottomxpromo&plt=1419134879&pid=18962
MOM- JOB DESCRIPTION
THIS IS WHY I WOULD ASK, WHO CAME FIRST?
This is hysterical. If it had
been presented this way, none of us would have done it!!!
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get
this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is
due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them
become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it
and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no
pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are
offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free
hugs for life if you play your cards right. You may have lots of laughs.
1 - Teach Them to
Work and be Responsible -. I grew up doing jobs each day in my
family. I Knew That I HAD to do in Original jobs and I Worked hard at them
Were there days Sure That I whined or did not want to do them, but I always did
them. I Knew That I wanted my kids to Have any available hard work ethic
and to learn to be responsible. Not just for Their Own things, But Also
for our household. I have always felt That When You. Teach them to
work hard and be responsible, as They Grow up They will be confident in Their abilities
and good members of society willing to help others A few years ago I read a
book called "The Parenting Breakthrough: Real-Life Plan to Teach Kids to
Work, Save Money, and Be Truly Independent "by Marrilee Boyack. It is
by far one of the best books I have ever read acerca teaching your kids to be
hard workers and be responsible. Another book That I really like is called
"The Entitlement Trap" by Richard and Linda Eyre. ! Both
books teach Such Great things
10- Show them
you love them by spending good quality and quantity time with them, listen to them,
support them and Encourage them. But MOST importantly tell them how much
you love them. 10 - Teach them how to learn of Gods love for them. -
When a child learns of God and his greatness and Then learns of how someone so
great loves them so much, it Helps to give them a sense of Belonging in the
world Having esta sense of constant love from one Who is so great Helps them-
-through the hard times in life Their Struggling withnegative When They are
self talk and Doubt. I think by following in Core 10 steps you will for
sure raise confident children with a good self esteem .
Message
Happy birthday
my son. With love your MOM.If You Could write a note to your younger self,
what would you say in only two words? www.sciencemag.org I would say 'Act Now': When young, we think
'We have all the time in the world'. Life is a learning curve and the more we
experience, the more we 'evolve'. I do not think we are ever to finished
product. So, 'Act Now' Instead of over thinking or trying to get
everything 'right'. With Where I am at in personal my 'evolution', I am
asking myself "Why did I take so long to initiate A, B or C '. Of course,
it's good to plan, to think things through. Sometimes (most times? !.), though,
our brain gets in the way Maybe it's better to 'Shoot now - Aim later!' None of
this is news ... but I Have Been Recently thinking acerca Where all the time in
the world 'has gone - so Act Now are my two words.
o KEEP
GOING
THIS WILL HELP YOU ONLY IF YOU PRACTICE AND/OR DO IT!.
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
CHILDREN
FREE
PUPPIES
FREE
PUPPIES.
COWS,
CALVES: NEVER BRED.
JOINING
NUDIST COLONY!
WEDDING
DRESS FOR SALE .
**** And the WINNER is...
****
FOR
SALE BY OWNER.
Statement
of the Century
Children Are Quick
TEACHER:
Why are you late?
(I
want to adopt this kid!!!)
_____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell
___________________________________
_______________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is
exactly the same as your brother's..
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet.'
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have
today that we didn't have ten years ago.
____________________________________
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: No, that's wrong !!
_________________________________________________
Spanish Words of the Day
1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: '
Maria likes me, but cheese fat.'
2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I
shoulder.
4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.
6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! 'Julyer!'
7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?'
9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey, harassment
nothing to me.
13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.
14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
15. Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow?'
THIS IS WHY I WOULD ASK, WHO CAME FIRST?
WHO WAS NEVER A KID.
This is hysterical. If it had
been presented this way, none of us would have done it!!!
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent
work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours,
which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on
rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing
to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to
bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time,
the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing
to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls,
maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages
and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an
embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, an d battery operated devices. Must always
hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & ;PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position
for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no
pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are
offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free
hugs for life if you play your cards right. You may have lots of laughs.
Teach
Your Children To Have Good Self Esteem
1 - Teach Them to
Work and be Responsible -. I grew up doing jobs each day in my
family. I Knew That I HAD to do in Original jobs and I Worked hard at them
Were there days Sure That I whined or did not want to do them, but I always did
them. I Knew That I wanted my kids to Have any available hard work ethic
and to learn to be responsible. Not just for Their Own things, But Also
for our household. I have always felt That When You. Teach them to
work hard and be responsible, as They Grow up They will be confident in Their abilities
and good members of society willing to help others A few years ago I read a
book called "The Parenting Breakthrough: Real-Life Plan to Teach Kids to
Work, Save Money, and Be Truly Independent "by Marrilee Boyack. It is
by far one of the best books I have ever read acerca teaching your kids to be
hard workers and be responsible. Another book That I really like is called
"The Entitlement Trap" by Richard and Linda Eyre. ! Both
books teach Such Great things
2 - Encourage them
but do not push them - I think.: sometimes it is so hard not to push our kids
to want to do what we think They Should do This happens usually we we we
we Because we want parents them to do What They did as children, or They want
to live vicariously-through Them Because They Were not reliable to do it as a
child. I was a pretty well rounded child, I clogged, sang, danced, and
played sports. A few months back we got a basketball hoop. My boys
Were Quickly drawn to it, but my daughter has no desire to play basketball at
all. At first I Encouraged her to play with me, but when i Realized she
really did not want to I Decided not to push it. She can kick the ball and
play soccer, but as far as throwing and shooting a basket, she really does not
care. We need to let our kids do What They want to Encourage and support
them in and do it !
3 - Do not be
nitpicky -. . No kids are going to be confident if Their parents are
always nitpicking Their every move I remember the first day my daughter wanted
to do her own hair ... It Looked awful Or the day That my are got himself
dressed and was wearing two different kinds and colors of stripes. This is
something I had a very hard time with at first. It's Important for kids to
learn to do things on Their Own. I so. let them. That does not
mean you can not teach them since I have my kids Taught about matching clothes
and simple hairstyles They can do if They do not want me to do Their hair.
4 - You as a
parent need to be self-. confident - Obviously We have to teach by example
It Is Such a thing: sometimes hard to not say negative things about yourself,
but how in the world are our kids going to Have Confidence and good self esteem
If They don 't That Have any parents are showing them how!
5 - Listen
to, spend time with, and support each child -. This really needs no
explanation Each individually kids needs you to spend time with them, listen to
them and support them In Their additional activities, school work and everyday
life!
6 - Teach
them to make goals and work hard to Achieve Them -. . I think this is one
of the MOST fun things to teach my kids . Whether it is reading a book,
running a mile, doing a project We have sat whos down individually With
All of our kids (well the older ones) and Their life goals written out them
hanging They Have in Their Rooms So They can see them daily and work hard to
Achieve them.
7 - Teach them They
can do hard things. - One of the biggest Taught things We have our kids is
That They can do hard things Lately esta HAD Become One of our family
themes. We say it all the time. My kids just started Track
Club-through the summer, it meets eleven week but They Also Encourage the kids
to run a marathon-through the summer. So we Have Been running one mile
four days a week on top of going to track. Some mornings They whine, and
say They do not want to do it, but. I Encourage them nicely. "We
can do it, it's just two short laps around the block" And They Do It and
by the time we are done They are happy They did it.
8 - Remember
no child is the same - Each of my four children are different. They learn
differently, They play differently, And They need to be disciplined
differently. Our children are not cookie cutters of each other. They
are very very different. Some Might need additional help in school, Some
Might need to. little more time with you each day You know your children,
look at each of them and see Their needs.
9 - Always let them
know how much you love them - Showing our kids we love them is one of the
biggest ways we can teach our kids to Have Confidence and a Good self
esteem. Children Who Do not feel shy and nervous around others get
loved. They have no sense of Belonging Which Affects How They feel acerca
themselves.
10- Show them
you love them by spending good quality and quantity time with them, listen to them,
support them and Encourage them. But MOST importantly tell them how much
you love them. 10 - Teach them how to learn of Gods love for them. -
When a child learns of God and his greatness and Then learns of how someone so
great loves them so much, it Helps to give them a sense of Belonging in the
world Having esta sense of constant love from one Who is so great Helps them-
-through the hard times in life Their Struggling withnegative When They are
self talk and Doubt. I think by following in Core 10 steps you will for
sure raise confident children with a good self esteem .
Happy birthday
my son. With love your MOM.If You Could write a note to your younger self,
what would you say in only two words? www.sciencemag.org I would say 'Act Now': When young, we think
'We have all the time in the world'. Life is a learning curve and the more we
experience, the more we 'evolve'. I do not think we are ever to finished
product. So, 'Act Now' Instead of over thinking or trying to get
everything 'right'. With Where I am at in personal my 'evolution', I am
asking myself "Why did I take so long to initiate A, B or C '. Of course,
it's good to plan, to think things through. Sometimes (most times? !.), though,
our brain gets in the way Maybe it's better to 'Shoot now - Aim later!' None of
this is news ... but I Have Been Recently thinking acerca Where all the time in
the world 'has gone - so Act Now are my two words.
Message
Happy birthday
my son. With love your MOM.If You Could write a note to your younger self,
what would you say in only two words? www.sciencemag.org I would say 'Act Now': When young, we think
'We have all the time in the world'. Life is a learning curve and the more we
experience, the more we 'evolve'. I do not think we are ever to finished
product. So, 'Act Now' Instead of over thinking or trying to get
everything 'right'. With Where I am at in personal my 'evolution', I am
asking myself "Why did I take so long to initiate A, B or C '. Of course,
it's good to plan, to think things through. Sometimes (most times? !.), though,
our brain gets in the way Maybe it's better to 'Shoot now - Aim later!' None of
this is news ... but I Have Been Recently thinking acerca Where all the time in
the world 'has gone - so Act Now are my two words.
·
BE POSITIVE!
·
LIVE WITHOUT A NET
·
FEAR NOT.
·
DO GOOD
·
STAY CURIOUS (WISE WORDS FROM SOME MURALI SITARAM VP
AT CISCO)
·
BE HAPPY
·
GIVE BACK
·
JUST BELIEVE
·
SEEK GROWTH
·
THE DAY EVERY DAY MAKES IT: Liveable, Manageable,
ENJOYABLE.
·
IT'S ONE THING TO SAY SEEK (INNER)
SATISFACTION; ENTIRELY TO POINT OUT ANOTHER DIRECTIONS FOR DOING SO.
·
TRUST YOURSELF
·
VALUE CREATION!
·
LOVE LIFE
·
LOVE YOURSELF.
·
LISTEN MORE
·
BE PATIENT!
·
BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE - GHANDI
·
ENJOY NOW OR PERHAPS KEEP LEARNING
·
ACT humanely.
·
NEVER QUIT!
·
STAY STRONG!
·
KEEP GOING!
·
AM SPECIAL!
·
GROW UP
·
THE ONLY THING I WOULD TELL ME A YOUNGER IS IN TWO
WORDS: STUDY HARD!
·
LET GO.
·
AIM HIGH!
·
DO NOT QUIT.
·
LISTEN AND LEARN
·
YOU'RE ENOUGH.
· "I
CAN".
o KEEP
GOING
THIS WILL HELP YOU ONLY IF YOU PRACTICE AND/OR DO IT!.
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
CHILDREN
BRITISH
HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These
are classified ads, which were
actually
placed
in
U.K. Newspapers:
FREE
YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8
years old,
Hateful
little bastard.
Bites!
FREE
PUPPIES
1/2
Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE
PUPPIES.
Mother
is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father
is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS,
CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also
1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING
NUDIST COLONY!
Must
sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING
DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn
once by mistake.
Call
Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is...
****
FOR
SALE BY OWNER.
Complete
set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent
condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows
everything.
Statement
of the Century
Thought
from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are
so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex
at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
TEACHER:
Why are you late?
STUDENT:
Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER:
John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:
You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER:
Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:
K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:
No, that's wrong
GLENN:
Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I
Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER:
Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:
H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:
What are you talking about?
DONALD:
Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER:
Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years
ago.
WINNIE:
Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER:
Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:
Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER:
Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE:
I is..
TEACHER:
No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:
All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER:
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also
admitted it.
Now,
Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:
Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER:
Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:
No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER:
Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your
brother's..
Did
you copy his?
CLYDE
: No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I
want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER:
Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no
longer interested?
HAROLD:
A teacher
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..TEACHER: Correct. Now
class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
_____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell
___________________________________
_____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell
___________________________________
GLEN: Well,
I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you
call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
_______________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
_______________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
_______________________________________
SIMON: No sir, I don't
have to, my Mom is a good cook.______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
_____________________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence
starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________________________________
____________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what
is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: No, that's wrong !!
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: No, that's wrong !!
DONALD: Yesterday you
said it's H to O.
Children Writing About the Ocean.... All You Need To Know.
The next time you take an oceanography
course, you will be totally prepared.
1. This is a picture of
an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )
2. Oysters' balls are
called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3. If you are surrounded
by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you
are incontinent. (Mike , age 7)
4. Sharks are ugly and
mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend
any more.
(Kylie, age 6)
5. A dolphin breathes
through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy,
age 7)
6. My uncle goes out in
his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with
crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7. When ships had sails,
they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the
wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind
come. My brother said they would have been better off eating
beans. (William, age 7)
8. Mermaids live in the
ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny
tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen,
age 6)
9. I'm not going to write
about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps
yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, soI can't
think what to write. (Amy, age age 6)
10. Some fish are
dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They
have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug
themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11. When you go swimming
in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
small. (Kevin, age 6)
12. Divers have to be
safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they
have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13. On vacation my Mom
went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast.
big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14. The ocean is made up
of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age
6) (Bobby, age 6)
15. My dad was a sailor
on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he
quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
Foreign Signs
LADIES
ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
_________________________________________________
Spanish Words of the Day
1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: ' Maria likes me, but cheese fat.'
2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.
6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! 'Julyer!'
7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?'
9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey, harassment nothing to me.
13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.
14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
15. Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow?'
Spanish Words of the Day
1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: ' Maria likes me, but cheese fat.'
2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.
6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! 'Julyer!'
7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?'
9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey, harassment nothing to me.
13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.
14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
15. Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow?'
In
a Laundromat:
Proofreading
is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man
Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This
one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and
asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized
that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next
day..I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something
Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert SaysReally? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He
probably IS the battery charge!
Do they taste like chicken?
WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN WHEN WE PRAY?
I dreamed that I went to
Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a
large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first
section and said, 'This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God
said in prayer are received.
I looked around in this area,
and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions
written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the
world.
Then we moved on down a long
corridor until we reached the second section.
The angel then said to me,
"This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and
blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living
persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There
were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been
requested and were being packaged
for delivery to Earth.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a
very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly
doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend
quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a
very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly
doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend
quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.
Finally at the
farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small
station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing
nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly
admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.Finally at the farthest end of the long
corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise,
only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the
Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed
embarrassed. "How is it that there is no work going on here? I
asked."
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings
that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof
overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings
that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof
overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.
"So
sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they
asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does
one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked.
"Simple,"
the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What
blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you
have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a
place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world."So sad," the
angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for,
very few send back acknowledgments.""How does one acknowledge God 's
blessings? "I asked."Simple," the angel answered. Just say,
"Thank you, Lord.""What blessings should they acknowledge?"
I asked."If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a
roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.If you
have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are
among the top 8% of the world 's wealthy, and if you get this on your own computer, you are part
of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."
"If you
woke up this morning with more health than illness.. You are more blessed than
the many who will not even survive this day.""If you have never
experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of
torture, or the pangs of starvation... You are ahead of 700 million people in
the world."
"If you
can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death
you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the
world."
"If you
can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you 're unique to all
those in doubt and despair......."
"OK," I said.
"What now? How can I start?"
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you
know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the
day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want
to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I
want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not
make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer
when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday
night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
7. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for
men to realize that their brain is also important.
I dialed a number and got
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
*
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your
friends!"
*
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
"Without Information
Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies, "No, It means,
*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
"Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
########################
Laugh Or I’ll Tell It Again
Then the cop said, "Well, since I've got you pulled over did you know
that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No sir," the
man replied, "I did not know that." "WHATEVER!" His wife
yelled, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for two whole
months now!" "Will you please shut up!" the man yelled to his
wife again, "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!"
Curious, the cop walked over to the woman's side of the car and asked her,
"Does he always talk to you this way?" "No," she replied,
"Only when he's been drinking!"
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about
the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that
plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and
Twitter.
I signed up under duress for
Twitter and Facebook , so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2
great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.
I figured I could handle something
as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.That was before one of
my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie
and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to
my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.My phone was
beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel
movements of the entire next generation.
I am not ready to live like
this.
I keep my cell phone in the garage
in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my
last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the
grocery store or library.
I keep that in a box under my tool
bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I
wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife
and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.
I had to take my hearing aid out
to use it, and I got a little loud.I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my
dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest
person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically
say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It
was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and
then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn
instead.
Well, it was not a good
relationship.When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name
of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as
Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.To be perfectly frank, I am still
trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.
We have had them for 4 years, but
I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to
run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty
laundry baskets when the phone rings.The world is just getting too complex for
me.
They even mess me up every time I
go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something
themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out
just knocks me for a loop.
I bought some of those cloth
reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in
with me.Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or
Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me.
I am bi-sacksual." Then
it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I
tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.
"P.S. I know some of you are not over
50.
To those who are senior citizens
don't need anymore gadgets.
The TV remote and the garage door
remote are about all we can andle!
====================================================
25 One Liners to Make You
Smile
olvidó de ti y lo peor, un amor que un día se fue de ti!!!
No
confíes en alguien que te dijo:
'te lo juro', 'que lloró', y luego, te
reemplazó sin ningún dolor.
Recuerda: 'Quien se va sin ser echado,
vuelve sin ser llamado'. Esta
noche, justo a la media noche tu amor
verdadero se va a dar cuenta de
que te AMA!!! ...
'♥♥'Si algun día, despertaras
en un cuarto rojo con las puertas y ventanas cerradas, NO TE ASUSTES!!...es que
estas dentro de mi corazón!!!!.
* Always read stuff that will
make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not
only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
* If you can't be kind, at
least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and
never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole
purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't
push.
* Never put both feet in your
mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on
* Nobody cares if you can't
dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm
that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the
cheese.
* When everything's coming your
way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in
the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much
fun to only make once
* We could learn a lot from
crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird
names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one
who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGhttp://www.7steps2success.net/7steps2success.net/Positive_Thinking.html?gclid=CKDMipuNq68CFasDtgodZw8dZwRW3q_SkmM&feature=player_embedded#!
MY NEW
PHILOSOPHY....
FINALLY
- Someone is bitchy enough to say it like it REALLY is!
When I stand up for Myself and my beliefs, They
call me a Bitch.
Or do things my own way, they call me a Bitch.
Being a bitch Means I
won't
Compromise what's
In my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
The same thing happens when I take time for
Myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little
selfish.
_____________________________________
It means I have the courage and
strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become
anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be.
You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch ,so
be it . I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman
B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle 'anything'
- Woman
and the ForkThere was a young woman who had been
diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given
three months to live. So as she was getting her things
'in order,' she contacted Her Pastor and had him come to her
house to discuss certain aspects of her final
wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the
service, what scriptures she would like read, and what
outfit she wanted to be buried in. Everything was in
order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the
young woman suddenly remembered something very important
to her. 'There's one more thing,' she said
excitedly.. 'What's that?' came the Pastor's
reply? 'This is very important,' the young woman
continued. 'I want to be buried with a fork in my Right
hand.' The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not
knowing quite what to say. That surprises you, doesn't
it?' the young woman asked. 'Well, to be honest, I'm
puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor. The young
woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this
story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along
its message to those I love and those who are in need of
encouragement. In all my years of attending
socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes
of the main course were being cleared, someone would
inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was
my favorite part Because I knew that something better
was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish
apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!' So,
I just want people to see me there in that casket with a
fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the
fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork
..the best is yet to come.' The Pastor's eyes welled up
with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye.
He knew this would be one of the last times he would see
her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman
had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a
better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people
twice her age, with twice as much experience and
knowledge. She KNEW that something better was
coming. At the funeral people were walking by the young
woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing
and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over,
the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?'
And over and over he smiled. During his message, the Pastor
told the people of the conversation he had with
the young woman shortly before she died. He also told
them about The fork and about what it symbolized to her. He
told the people how he could not stop thinking about the
fork and told them that they probably would not be able
to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the
next time you reach down for your fork let it
remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.
Friends are a very rare jewel , indeed. They make you
smile and encourage you to succeed. Cherish the
time you have , and the memories you share. Being
friends with someone is not an opportunity, but a sweet
responsibility.
POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, MA
GLENN:
K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
________________________________________________p
TEACHER:
No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER:
No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
LADIES ARE
REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE
CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
In a London department store:
In an office:
In an office:
Outside a secondhand shop:
Notice in health food shop window:
Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
Seen during a conference:
Notice in a farmer's field:
Message on a leaflet:
On a repair shop door:
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
================================================
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty.
Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a
pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd
bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7
seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
=========================================================
1. My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
Vitamin FI loved this and want to share it
with you...Why do I have a variety of friends who are
all so different in character? How can I get along with them all? I think that
each one helps to bring out a "different" part of me.
POWERFUL WORDS TO HELP YOU IN
YOUR DAILY LIFE.
“I came from nothing,” Winfrey wrote in the
1998 book “Journey to Beloved.” “No power. No money. Not even my thoughts were
my own. I had no free will. No voice. Now, I have the freedom, power, and will
to speak to millions every day — having come from nowhere.” Earlier this year,
Forbes scored Winfrey’s net worth at $2.7 billion.
NO SIGAS A UN AMOR QUE TE
HIZO SUFRIR
No sigas a un amor que te hizo sufrir, un amor
que un día se
After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came in for counseling. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem
they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got
up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and
kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised
eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist
turned to the husband and said, "That is what your wife needs at least 3
times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays,
I fish."
ALMOST TOO TRUE TO BE FUNNY !!!!
That was before one of my grand kids hooked me
up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific
Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and
every other program within the texting world.My phone was beeping every three
minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire
next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the
garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday
because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store
or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth phone
I'm supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at
the local store talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was
glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little
loud.
The GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board,
but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run
into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say,
"Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was
like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then
tell me to make a U-turn at the next light, if I made a wrong turn. Well, it
was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and
tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the
same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to
learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4
years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once
and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the
dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me.
They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they
could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or
Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some
of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to
take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me,
"Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am
bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was
recently asked if I 'tweet'. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I
sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are. Us senior citizens
don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door opener are about
all we can handle.
THE
SOUL'S MEDICINE.
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this
way, none of us would have done it!!!
THIS IS WHY I WOULD ASK, WHO CAME FIRST? WHO WAS
NEVER A KID.
Children
Are Quick:
15. My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the
ocean.
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
In a Laundromat:
In a London department store:
In an office:
In an office:
Outside a secondhand shop:
Notice in health food shop window:
Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
Seen during a conference:
Notice in a farmer's field:
Message on a leaflet:
On a repair shop door:
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial
Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor
realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction
the next day..
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
-------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
--------------------------------------------
That's what he gets for eating those beans! -
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
**********************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your
turn to spread the stupidity to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all
need a good laugh, at least once a day!
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a
very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly
doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend
quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a
very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly
doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend
quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.Finally at the farthest end of
the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great
surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is
the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed
embarrassed.Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the
door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated
there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel
friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.Finally at the farthest
end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my
great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This
is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He
seemed embarrassed. "How is it that there is no work going on here? I
asked."
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings
that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof
overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings
that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof
overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world."So
sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they
asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.""How does one
acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked."Simple," the angel
answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord.""What blessings should
they acknowledge?" I asked."If you have food in the refrigerator,
clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than
75% of this world."So sad," the angel sighed. "After people
receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back
acknowledgments.""How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I
asked."Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you,
Lord.""What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked."If
you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a
place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world."So sad," the
angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for,
very few send back acknowledgments.""How does one acknowledge God 's
blessings? "I asked."Simple," the angel answered. Just say,
"Thank you, Lord.""What blessings should they acknowledge?"
I asked."If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back,
a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.If
you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are
among the top 8% of the world 's wealthy, and if you get this on your
own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that
opportunity.""If you woke up this morning with more health than
illness.. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this
day.""If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness
of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation... You are
ahead of 700 million people in the world."
"If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest,
torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people
in the world.""If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not
the norm, you 're unique to all those in doubt and despair.......""OK,"
I said. "What now? How can I start?"The
Angel said, "If you can read this message, you just received a double
blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more
blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all." Have a
good day, count your blessings.
I dialed a number and got
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
*
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your
friends!"
*
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
"Without Information
Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies, "No, It means,
*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
"Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
########################
BIDDING THE JOB – Three contractors happened to be
touring the White House on the same day
– one from New York, another from Missouri, and the third
from Florida. At the end of the tour, the
guard asked them what they did for a living. When they
each said they were contractors, the guard
said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why
don’t you guys take a look at it and give me
your bids.” First the Florida contractor took out his
tape measure and pencil, did some measuring, and said, “I
figure the job will run about nine hundred dollars – four
hundred for materials, four hundred for my crew, and
one hundred dollars profit for me.” Next, the Missouri
contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did
some quick calculations, and said, “Looks like I can do
this job for seven hundred dollars – three hundred for
materials, three hundred for my crew, and one hundred
dollars profit for me.” Finally, the guard asked the New
York contractor for his bid. Without batting an eye, he
said, “Twenty-seven hundred dollars.” The guard,
incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even
measure like the other guys! How did you come up with
such a high figure?” “Easy,” said the contractor from New
York. “One thousand dollars for me, one thousand
dollars for you, and
we hire the guy from Missouri.”
Then the cop said, "Well, since I've got you pulled over did you know
that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No sir," the
man replied, "I did not know that." "WHATEVER!" His wife
yelled, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for two whole
months now!" "Will you please shut up!" the man yelled to his
wife again, "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!"Curious,
the cop walked over to the woman's side of the car and asked her, "Does
he always talk to you this way?" "No," she replied, "Only
when he's been drinking!"
=========================================================
1. My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
MY NEW
PHILOSOPHY....
FINALLY - Someone is bitchy enough to say
it like it REALLY is!
When I stand up for Myself and my beliefs, They call me a Bitch.
Or do things my own way, they call me a Bitch.
Being a bitch Means I won't
Compromise what's
In my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
The same thing happens when I take time for
Myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
_____________________________________
It means I have the courage and
strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's
idea of what they think I 'should' be.
You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch ,so
be it . I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman
B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle 'anything'
Woman and the Fork
There was a young woman who had been diagnosed
with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So
as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted Her Pastor
and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her
final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the
service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she
wanted to be buried in. Everything was in order and the Pastor was
preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something
very important to her. 'There's one more thing,' she said
excitedly.. 'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply? 'This is
very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried with
a fork in my Right hand.' The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not
knowing quite what to say. That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young
woman asked. 'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said
the Pastor. The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me
this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along
its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement.
In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always
remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared,
someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was
my favorite part Because I knew that something better was
coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie.
Something wonderful, and with substance!' So, I just want people to
see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to
wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep
your fork ..the best is yet to come.' The Pastor's eyes welled up
with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this
would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But
he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than
he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many
people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge.
She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral
people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the
cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and
over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over
and over he smiled. During his message, the Pastor told the people of
the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she
died. He also told them about The fork and about what it symbolized
to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the
fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop
thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach
down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the
best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel , indeed. They
make you smile and encourage you to succeed. Cherish the time
you have , and the memories you share. Being friends with someone is
not an opportunity, but a sweet responsibility.
I. Introduction/Thesis
laughs.
___________________________________________________________
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
________________________________________________p
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you
always get so dirty?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
DONALD: Yesterday you said
it's H to O.
Spanish Words of
the Day
In a Laundromat:
In a London department store:
In an office:
In an office:
Outside a secondhand shop:
Notice in health food shop window:
Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
Seen during a conference:
Notice in a farmer's field:
Message on a leaflet:
On a repair shop door:
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans! -
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
*****************************************
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your
turn to spread the stupidity to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all
need a good laugh, at least once a day!
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of
the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want
to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I
want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not
make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer
when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday
night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
7. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys
in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but
I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about
1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for
men to realize that their brain is also important.
**************************************************
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
*
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your
friends!"
*
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
"Without Information
Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever" !"*
*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
"Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
Two Minute
Management Course COURSE: MANAGEMENT 101
Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly
spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut
23 ADULT
TRUTH
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of
the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want
to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I
want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not
make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer
when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday
night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
7. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just
nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
21.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you
can wear them forever.
22.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a
pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd
bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7
seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for
men to realize that their brain is also important. 
* This ends your two minute management course.
CHILDREN
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were
actually placed
in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"OK," I said.
"What now? How can I start?"
The Angel said, "If
you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone
was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two
billion people in the world who cannot read at all." Have a good day, count your blessings.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
7. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
7. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
I dialed a number and got
the following recording:** **
"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes." *
**************************************************
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!" *
**************************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a
brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
**************************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
*************************************************
Husband asks,
"Do you know the meaning of WIFE??*
"Without Information Fighting Everytime" Wife replies, "No, It means,
"With Idiot For Ever" !"*
*
*************************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,* Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,* and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
*************************************************
A woman asks man who
is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"* The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
*************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad,
"What
is the difference between confident and confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
**************************************************
Nominated as the best short joke this year...
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied. ########################
Laugh Or I’ll
Tell It Again”I AM GOING TO SHOP – "Cash, check or
charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wishedto purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set
in her purse."Do you always carry your TV remote?" I
asked."No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come
shopping with me, so I figured this was the mostevil thing I could do to him."
Laugh Or I’ll Tell It Again
BIDDING THE JOB – Three contractors happened
to be touring the White House on the same day
– one from New York, another from Missouri,
and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the
guard asked them what they did for a living.
When they each said they were contractors, the guard
said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences
redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me
your bids.” First the Florida contractor took
out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring, and said, “I
figure the job will run about nine hundred
dollars – four hundred for materials, four hundred for my crew, and
one hundred dollars profit for me.” Next, the
Missouri contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did
some quick calculations, and said, “Looks like
I can do this job for seven hundred dollars – three hundred for
materials, three hundred for my crew, and one
hundred dollars profit for me.” Finally, the guard asked the New
York contractor for his bid. Without batting
an eye, he said, “Twenty-seven hundred dollars.” The guard,
incredulous, looked at him and said, “You
didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with
such a high figure?” “Easy,” said the
contractor from New York. “One thousand dollars for me, one thousand
dollars
for you, and we hire the guy from Missouri.”
*************************************************
A
MAN AND HIS HELPFUL WIFE
- A man and his wife were driving down
the road when a cop pulled them over. The cop said to the man, "Do you
know that you were speeding?" The man replied, "No sir, I didn't
know I was speeding." The man’s wife then yelled, "Yes you did, you
knew you were speeding - I've been telling you to slow down for miles."
"SHUT UP!" the man said to his wife, "Just shut up, just sit
back and be quiet."
Then the cop said, "Well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No sir," the man replied, "I did not know that." "WHATEVER!" His wife yelled, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for two whole months now!" "Will you please shut up!" the man yelled to his wife again, "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!" Curious, the cop walked over to the woman's side of the car and asked her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No," she replied, "Only when he's been drinking!"
TWO BLONDE GUYS -
Two blonde
guys were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach
into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or
nail it in.The other blonde guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"The first blonde explained,
"If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it
away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I
nail it in."The second blonde got very upset and yelled, "You jerk! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective!
They're for the OTHER side of the house!"
|
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about
the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that
plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and
Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook , so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.
I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.
I am not ready to live like this.
I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.
I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.
I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead.
Well, it was not a good relationship.When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.
We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.The world is just getting too complex for me.
They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.
I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me.
I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.
"P.S. I know some of you are not over 50.
To those who are senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets.
The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can andle!
====================================================
25 One Liners to Make You Smileolvidó de ti y lo peor, un amor que un día se fue de ti!!!
No
confíes en alguien que te dijo: 'te lo juro', 'que lloró', y luego, te
reemplazó sin ningún dolor. Recuerda: 'Quien se va sin ser echado,
vuelve sin ser llamado'. Esta noche, justo a la media noche tu amor
verdadero se va a dar cuenta de que te AMA!!! ...
'♥♥'Si algun día, despertaras en un cuarto rojo con las puertas y ventanas cerradas, NO TE ASUSTES!!...es que estas dentro de mi corazón!!!!.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGhttp://www.7steps2success.net/7steps2success.net/Positive_Thinking.html?gclid=CKDMipuNq68CFasDtgodZw8dZwRW3q_SkmM&feature=player_embedded#!
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook , so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.
I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.
I am not ready to live like this.
I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.
I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.
I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead.
Well, it was not a good relationship.When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.
We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.The world is just getting too complex for me.
They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.
I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me.
I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.
"P.S. I know some of you are not over 50.
To those who are senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets.
The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can andle!
====================================================
25 One Liners to Make You Smile
olvidó de ti y lo peor, un amor que un día se fue de ti!!!
No confíes en alguien que te dijo: 'te lo juro', 'que lloró', y luego, te
reemplazó sin ningún dolor. Recuerda: 'Quien se va sin ser echado,
vuelve sin ser llamado'. Esta noche, justo a la media noche tu amor
verdadero se va a dar cuenta de que te AMA!!! ...
'♥♥'Si algun día, despertaras en un cuarto rojo con las puertas y ventanas cerradas, NO TE ASUSTES!!...es que estas dentro de mi corazón!!!!.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGhttp://www.7steps2success.net/7steps2success.net/Positive_Thinking.html?gclid=CKDMipuNq68CFasDtgodZw8dZwRW3q_SkmM&feature=player_embedded#!
MY NEW
PHILOSOPHY....
|
POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, MA
'crocodile?'
GLENN:
K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
________________________________________________p
TEACHER:
No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER:
Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
(I
Love this child)
CLYDE
: No, sir. It's the same dog
TEACHER:
Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER:
No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
________________________________________
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
In a cocktail lounge in Norway:
LADIES ARE
REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE
CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE
DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE
GUARD ON DUTY.
In a doctor's office in Rome:
SPECIALIST
IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner in Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU
WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS
WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO
TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
In a Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN
SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL
COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a hotel in Japan:
YOU
ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a
Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU
ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,
ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
In a hotel in Zurich:
BECAUSE
OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM,
IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH
EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
In a laundry in Rome:
LADIES,
LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
In a tourist agency in Czechoslovakia:
TAKE
ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
An advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
WOULD
YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong
Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
At an airline ticket office in Copenhagen:
WE
TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A sign in a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS
ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Did I read that sign right?
==============================================
TOILET
OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE
USE FLOOR BELOW
AUTOMATIC
WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE
STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD
EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES,
WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL
BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND
DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO
CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET
WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE
KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
---------------------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat
enough?!
-------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in
Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans! -
---------------
---------------------------------
Kids Make
Nutritious Snacks
****************************************
Local High School DropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
*********************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
*****************************************
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your
turn to spread the stupidity to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all
need a good laugh, at least once a day!
================================================
23
ADULT TRUTH
1.Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3
consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty.
Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a
pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd
bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7
seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
=========================================================
Should I Really Join Facebook ?
(Priceless)
A good laugh for people in the over 50
group!
really quite true!!
1. My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity -- I enjoy every
minute of it!
3. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
4. Don't take life too seriously -- no one gets
out alive.
5. You're just jealous because the voices only
talk to me.
6. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
8. I'm not a compete idiot -- some parts are
missing!
9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
10. God must love stupid people -- He made so
many!
11. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
12. Consciousness: that annoying time between
naps.
13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start
again?
14. Being "over the hill" is much
better than being under it.
15. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted
to be when I grew up.
16. Procrastinate now!
17. I have a degree in Liberal Arts -- do you
want fries with that?
18. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
19. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a
cash advance.
20. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
21. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless
dead.
22. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it
uses up three thousand times the memory.
23. Ham and eggs -- a day's work for a chicken, a
lifetime commitment for a pig.
24. The trouble with life is there's no
background music
25. I smile because I don't know what the heck is
going on.
Vitamin FI loved this and want to share it
with you...Why do I have a variety of friends who are
all so different in character? How can I get along with them all? I think that
each one helps to bring out a "different" part of me.
With one of them I am polite. I joke with
another friend.
I sit down and talk
about serious matters with one. With another I laugh a lot. I may have a drink
with one. I listen to one friend's problems. Then I listen to another one's
advice for me.
My friends are all
like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. When completed, they form a treasure box. A
treasure of friends! They are my friends who understand me better than myself,
who support me through good days and bad days. We all pray together and for
each other.
Real Age doctors
tell us that friends are good for our health. Dr. Oz calls them Vitamins F (for
Friends) and counts the benefits of friends as essential to our well being.
Research shows that people in strong social circles have less risk of
depression and terminal strokes. If you enjoy Vitamins F constantly you can be
up to 30 years younger than your real age. The warmth of friendship stops
stress and even in your most intense moments it decreases the chance of a
cardiac arrest or stroke by 50%.
I'm so happy that I
have a stock of Vitamins F!
In summary, we
should value our friends and keep in touch with them. We should try to see the
funny side of things and laugh together, and pray for each other in the tough
moments.
POWERFUL WORDS TO HELP YOU IN
YOUR DAILY LIFE.
Winfrey wrote in the 1998 book (quote)
“I came from nothing,” Winfrey wrote in the
1998 book “Journey to Beloved.” “No power. No money. Not even my thoughts were
my own. I had no free will. No voice. Now, I have the freedom, power, and will
to speak to millions every day — having come from nowhere.” Earlier this year,
Forbes scored Winfrey’s net worth at $2.7 billion.
NO SIGAS A UN AMOR QUE TE
HIZO SUFRIR
No sigas a un amor que te hizo sufrir, un amor
que un día se
Subject:
I Fish
After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came in for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "That is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came in for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "That is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
ALMOST TOO TRUE TO BE FUNNY !!!!
Something to laugh aboutWhen I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30
year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays
music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I
signed up (under duress) for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their
spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the
modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter, with only
140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth phone I'm supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at the local store talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
The GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light, if I made a wrong turn. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I 'tweet'. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are. Us senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door opener are about all we can handle.
That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth phone I'm supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at the local store talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
The GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light, if I made a wrong turn. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I 'tweet'. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are. Us senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door opener are about all we can handle.
THE
SOUL'S MEDICINE.
MOM- JOB
JOB DESCRIPTION: DESCRIPTION
THIS IS WHAY I WOULD ASK, WHO CAME FIRST? WHO WAS NEVER A
KID.This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, none of us would
have done it!!!
POSITION: Mother,
Mom, Mama, Mommy, MA
Long
term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic
environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational
skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and
weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required,
including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive
courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The
rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until
someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess
the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in
three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical
challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and
stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and
organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be
willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle
assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, an d
battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the
worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end
product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY
FOR ADVANCEMENT & ;PROMOTION:
Virtually
none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in
your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS
EXPERIENCE:
None
required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting
basis.
WAGES AND
COMPENSATION :
Get this!
You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due
when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become
financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The
oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and
wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While
no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid
holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities
for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
laughs.
THE SOUL'S MEDICINE.
MOM- JOB
JOB DESCRIPTION: DESCRIPTION
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this
way, none of us would have done it!!!
POSITION: Mother,
Mom, Mama, Mommy, MA
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in
an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will
include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some
overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy
weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not
reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to
be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite
tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and
be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the
screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to
face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls,
maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all
ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an
embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, an d battery operated devices. Must always
hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & ;PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for
years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so
that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A
balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college
will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them
whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you
actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no
pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are
offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free
hugs for life if you play your cards right.
laughs.
THIS IS WHY I WOULD ASK, WHO CAME FIRST? WHO WAS
NEVER A KID.
Children
Are Quick:
TEACHER:
Why are you late
STUDENT: Class
started before I got here.
---
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
___
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
__
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell
'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
__
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
(I Love this child)
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog
___
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
__
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
__
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
__________________
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to
the ground than you are.
_________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
_____________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the
same as your brother's..
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: No, that's wrong !!
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Children
Writing About the Ocean.... All You Need To Know. The next
time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.
1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6 )
2. Oysters' balls are
called pearls.
(Jerry, age 6)
3. If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have
ocean all round you, you are
incontinent.
(Mike , age 7)
4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
(Kylie, age 6)
5. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 7)
6. My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs.
(Millie, age
6)
7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the
sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said
they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age
7)
8. Mermaids live in the
ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like
their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
(Helen,
age 6)
9. I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling
at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to
write.
(Amy, age 6)
10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
think they have to plug themselves
in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)
11. When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it
makes mywilly small.
(Kevin, age 6)
12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13. On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she
was going very fast. big fat
ass.
(Julie, age 7)
14. The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't
drown I don't know.
(Bobby, age 6)
15. My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the
ocean.
What he doesn't know is why
he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)
Spanish Words of the Day
1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to
use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: ' Maria likes me, but cheese
fat.'
2. Mushroom
When all of my family get
in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a
citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. Texas
My fren always Texas me
when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered
pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.
6. July
Ju told me ju were going to
that store and July to me! 'Julyer!'
7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife
rectum!
8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped
me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?'
9. Chicken
I was going to go to the
store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10.
Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada
left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery
so chicken wing.
12.
Harassment
My wife caught me in bed
with another women and I told her, honey, harassment nothing to me.
13.
Bishop
My wife fell down the
stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.
14. Body
wash
I want to go to the club
but no body wash my kids.
15.
Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I
pink it up, and say, 'Yellow?'
Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN
ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT
BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)
Proofreading is a dying
art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day..
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day..
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
----------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
--------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?
---------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Who would have thought!
---------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
-------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
--------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans! -
That's what he gets for eating those beans! -
--------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School DropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
**********************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
*****************************************
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!
WHAT HAPPENS IN
HEAVEN WHEN WE PRAY?
I dreamed that I went to Heaven and an
angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom
filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and
said, 'This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer
are received.
I looked around in this area, and it
was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on
voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.Then we moved
on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.The angel then said
to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and
blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living
persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There were
many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been
requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed. "How is it that there is no work going on here? I asked."
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world."So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.""How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked."Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord.""What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked."If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world."So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.""How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked."Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord.""What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked."If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world."So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.""How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked."Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord.""What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked."If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world 's wealthy, and if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity.""If you woke up this morning with more health than illness.. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.""If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation... You are ahead of 700 million people in the world."
"If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world.""If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you 're unique to all those in doubt and despair.......""OK," I said. "What now? How can I start?"The Angel said, "If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all." Have a good day, count your blessings.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed. "How is it that there is no work going on here? I asked."
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world."So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.""How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked."Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord.""What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked."If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world."So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.""How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked."Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord.""What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked."If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world."So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.""How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked."Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord.""What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked."If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world 's wealthy, and if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity.""If you woke up this morning with more health than illness.. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.""If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation... You are ahead of 700 million people in the world."
"If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world.""If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you 're unique to all those in doubt and despair.......""OK," I said. "What now? How can I start?"The Angel said, "If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all." Have a good day, count your blessings.
================================================
I dialed a number and got
the following recording:** **
"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes." *
**************************************************
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!" *
**************************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a
brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
**************************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
*************************************************
Husband asks,
"Do you know the meaning of WIFE??*
"Without Information Fighting Everytime" Wife replies, "No, It means,
"With Idiot For Ever" !"*
*
*************************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,* Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,* and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
*************************************************
A woman asks man who
is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"* The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
*************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad,
"What
is the difference between confident and confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
**************************************************
Nominated as the best short joke this year...
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied. ########################
Laugh Or I’ll
Tell It Again”I AM GOING TO SHOP – "Cash, check or
charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wishedto purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set
in her purse."Do you always carry your TV remote?" I
asked."No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come
shopping with me, so I figured this was the mostevil thing I could do to him."
Laugh Or I’ll Tell It
Again
BIDDING THE JOB – Three contractors happened to be
touring the White House on the same day
– one from New York, another from Missouri, and the third
from Florida. At the end of the tour, the
guard asked them what they did for a living. When they
each said they were contractors, the guard
said, “Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why
don’t you guys take a look at it and give me
your bids.” First the Florida contractor took out his
tape measure and pencil, did some measuring, and said, “I
figure the job will run about nine hundred dollars – four
hundred for materials, four hundred for my crew, and
one hundred dollars profit for me.” Next, the Missouri
contractor took out his tape measure and pencil, did
some quick calculations, and said, “Looks like I can do
this job for seven hundred dollars – three hundred for
materials, three hundred for my crew, and one hundred
dollars profit for me.” Finally, the guard asked the New
York contractor for his bid. Without batting an eye, he
said, “Twenty-seven hundred dollars.” The guard,
incredulous, looked at him and said, “You didn’t even
measure like the other guys! How did you come up with
such a high figure?” “Easy,” said the contractor from New
York. “One thousand dollars for me, one thousand
dollars for you, and
we hire the guy from Missouri.”
*************************************************
A MAN AND HIS HELPFUL WIFE
- A man and his wife were driving down
the road when a cop pulled them over. The cop said to the man, "Do you
know that you were speeding?" The man replied, "No sir, I didn't
know I was speeding." The man’s wife then yelled, "Yes you did, you
knew you were speeding - I've been telling you to slow down for miles."
"SHUT UP!" the man said to his wife, "Just shut up, just sit
back and be quiet."
Then the cop said, "Well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No sir," the man replied, "I did not know that." "WHATEVER!" His wife yelled, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for two whole months now!" "Will you please shut up!" the man yelled to his wife again, "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!"Curious, the cop walked over to the woman's side of the car and asked her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No," she replied, "Only when he's been drinking!"
TWO BLONDE GUYS -
Two blonde
guys were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach
into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or
nail it in.The other blonde guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"The first blonde explained,
"If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it
away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I
nail it in."The second blonde got very upset and yelled, "You jerk! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective!
They're for the OTHER side of the house!"
|
||||
=========================================================
Should I Really Join Facebook ?
(Priceless)
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group
!
really quite true!!
When I
bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800
employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures
and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed
up under duress for Twitter and Facebook , so my seven kids, their spouses, 13
grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern
way.
I figured
I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of
space.That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree,
Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something
that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the
texting world.My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of
everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.
I am not
ready to live like this.
I keep
my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids
bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and
then going over to the grocery store or library.
I keep
that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed
to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and
Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at
me.
I had to
take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.I mean the GPS
looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the
most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes,
she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that
she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go
with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I
made a right turn instead.
Well, it
was not a good relationship.When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell
her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same
tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.To be perfectly frank, I am
still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.
We have
had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three
phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and
checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.The world
is just getting too complex for me.
They
even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they
could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or
Plastic?" every time I check out
just knocks me for a loop.
"Paper
or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me.
I am
bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was
recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.
"P.S. I know some of you are not over 50.
To those who are senior
citizens don't need anymore gadgets.
The TV
remote and the garage door remote are about all we can andle!
====================================================
25 One
Liners to Make You Smile
1. My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity -- I enjoy every
minute of it!
3. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
4. Don't take life too seriously -- no one gets
out alive.
5. You're just jealous because the voices only
talk to me.
6. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
8. I'm not a compete idiot -- some parts are
missing!
9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
10. God must love stupid people -- He made so
many!
11. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
12. Consciousness: that annoying time between
naps.
13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start
again?
14. Being "over the hill" is much
better than being under it.
15. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted
to be when I grew up.
16. Procrastinate now!
17. I have a degree in Liberal Arts -- do you
want fries with that?
18. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
19. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a
cash advance.
20. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
21. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless
dead.
22. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it
uses up three thousand times the memory.
23. Ham and eggs -- a day's work for a chicken, a
lifetime commitment for a pig.
24. The trouble with life is there's no
background music
25. I smile because I don't know what the heck is
going on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGhttp://www.7steps2success.net/7steps2success.net/Positive_Thinking.html?gclid=CKDMipuNq68CFasDtgodZw8dZwRW3q_SkmM&feature=player_embedded#!
MY NEW
PHILOSOPHY....
FINALLY - Someone is bitchy enough to say
it like it REALLY is!
Woman and the Fork
|
I. Introduction/Thesis
A. Background
B. In “To His Coy Mistress,” Andrew Marvell uses rhyme, imagery
and tone in order to convince his mistress to give her virginity to him.
II. Stanza I
A. “Had we but world enough, and time, This coyness, lady, were
no crime(792).”
B. Analysis
C. “Two hundred to adore each breast, But thirty thousand to
rest.” (792).
D. Analysis
E. “For, lady, you deserve this state, Nor would I love at lower
rate.” (792).
F. Analysis
III. Stanza II
A. “But at my back I always hear Time’s wingéd chariot hurrying
near;” (792).
B. Analysis
C. “And your quaint honor turn to dust, And into ashes all my lust
(792).”
D. Analysis
E. “The grave’s a fine and private place, But none, I think, do
there embrace”(792).
F. Anaysis
IV. Stanza III
A. Now therefore, while the youthful hue Sits on thy skin like
morning dew,”(792).
B. Analysis
C. “Now let us sport us while we may, And now, like amorous birds
of prey,”(792).
D. Analysis
E. And tear our pleasures with rough strife Thorough the iron
gates of life:”(793).
F. Analysis
V. Conclusion
A. Reinstate thesis
Reply
See this post in context
Unsubscribe from this forum Unsubscribe from all forums
Thesis.
laughs.
___________________________________________________________
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late
STUDENT: Class
started before I got here.
----------------------------------
TEACHER: John, why are you
doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
_____________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
TEACHER: Correct. Now
class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you
spell
'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
________________________________________________p
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you
always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well,
I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you
call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
(I Love this child)
_______________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your
composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog
_____________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell
me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't
have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington
not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why
his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a
sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I
am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one
important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is
the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: No, that's wrong !!
DONALD: Yesterday you said
it's H to O.
_________________________________________
Spanish Words of the Day
1.
Cheese
The
teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: '
Maria likes me, but cheese fat.'
2.
Mushroom
When all
of my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3.
Shoulder
My fren
wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. Texas
My fren
always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes
Me and my
fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.
6. July
Ju told
me ju were going to that store and July to me! 'Julyer!'
7. Rectum
I had 2
cars but my wife rectum!
8. Juarez
One day
my gramma slapped me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?'
9.
Chicken
I was
going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair
We only
have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
11.
Chicken wing
My wife
plays the lottery so chicken wing.
12. Harassment
My wife
caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey, harassment nothing
to me.
13. Bishop
My wife
fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.
14. Body wash
I want to
go to the club but no body wash my kids.
15. Green Pink Yellow
When the
phone green, I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow?'
Did I read that sign right?
======================================================
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE
DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT
BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE
BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)
**********************************************************
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the
Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before
the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a
correction the next day..
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans! -
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans! -
--------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School DropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
*****************************************
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!
================================================
23 ADULT TRUTH
================================================================
1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and
still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
7. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
**************************************************
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
** **
"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes." *
**************************************************
Man
comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!" *
**************************************************
A
small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
**************************************************
What
is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
*************************************************
Husband
asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??*
"Without Information Fighting Everytime" Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever" !"* *
*************************************************
What's
the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,* Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,* and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
*************************************************
A
woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"* The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
*************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad,
"What
is the difference between confident and confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
**************************************************
Nominated as the
best short joke this year...
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied. |
Two Minute
Management Course COURSE: MANAGEMENT 101
Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly
spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut
LINKS
23 ADULT
TRUTH
1.Sometimes
I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it
is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
7. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
21.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you
can wear them forever.
22.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a
pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd
bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7
seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
* This ends your two minute management course.
CHILDREN
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were
actually placed
in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
____________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
_____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell
___________________________________GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.__________________________________TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
_______________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.._______________________________________
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?______________________________________________________TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: No, that's wrong !!
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
Children Writing About the Ocean.... All You Need To Know. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.
1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )
2. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3. If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike , age 7)
4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
(Kylie, age 6)
5. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 7)
6. My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8. Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9. I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, soI can't think what to write. (Amy,
age age 6)
10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11. When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13. On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14. The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know.
(Bobby, age 6) (Bobby, age 6)
15. My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
Foreign Signs
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
_________________________________________________
Spanish Words of the Day
1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: ' Maria likes me, but cheese fat.'
2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.
6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! 'Julyer!'
7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?'
9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey, harassment nothing to me.
13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.
14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
15. Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow?'
1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )
2. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3. If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike , age 7)
4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
(Kylie, age 6)
5. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 7)
6. My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8. Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9. I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, soI can't think what to write. (Amy, age age 6)
10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11. When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13. On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14. The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6) (Bobby, age 6)
15. My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
Foreign Signs
In a Laundromat:
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day..I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert SaysReally? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
Do they taste like chicken?
WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN WHEN WE PRAY?
I dreamed that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, 'This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received.
I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.
Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.
The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged
for delivery to Earth.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed. "How is it that there is no work going on here? I asked."
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world."So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.""How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked."Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord.""What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked."If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world 's wealthy, and if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."
"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness.. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.""If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation... You are ahead of 700 million people in the world."
"If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world."
"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you 're unique to all those in doubt and despair......."
"OK," I said. "What now? How can I start?"
The Angel said, "If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all." Have a good day, count your blessings.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
7. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
I dialed a number and got
the following recording:** ** "I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes." * **************************************************Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!" * **************************************************A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER." **************************************************What is the definition of Mistress?Someone between the Mister and Mattress. *************************************************Husband asks,"Do you know the meaning of WIFE??* "Without Information Fighting Everytime" Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever" !"* * *************************************************What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*Stress is when wife is pregnant,* Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,* and Panic is when both are pregnant.* *************************************************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
|
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook , so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.
I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.
I am not ready to live like this.
I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.
I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.
I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead.
Well, it was not a good relationship.When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.
We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.The world is just getting too complex for me.
They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.
I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me.
I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.
"P.S. I know some of you are not over 50.
To those who are senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets.
The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can andle!
====================================================
25 One Liners to Make You Smile
olvidó de ti y lo peor, un amor que un día se fue de ti!!! No confíes en alguien que te dijo: 'te lo juro', 'que lloró', y luego, te
reemplazó sin ningún dolor. Recuerda: 'Quien se va sin ser echado,
vuelve sin ser llamado'. Esta noche, justo a la media noche tu amor
verdadero se va a dar cuenta de que te AMA!!! ...
'♥♥'Si algun día, despertaras en un cuarto rojo con las puertas y ventanas cerradas, NO TE ASUSTES!!...es que estas dentro de mi corazón!!!!.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGhttp://www.7steps2success.net/7steps2success.net/Positive_Thinking.html?gclid=CKDMipuNq68CFasDtgodZw8dZwRW3q_SkmM&feature=player_embedded#!
MY NEW PHILOSOPHY....FINALLY - Someone is bitchy enough to say it like it REALLY is!
Woman and the ForkThere was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted Her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. 'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly.. 'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply? 'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried with a fork in my Right hand.' The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say. That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked. 'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor. The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part Because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!' So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork ..the best is yet to come.' The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled. During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about The fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel , indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. Cherish the time you have , and the memories you share. Being friends with someone is not an opportunity, but a sweet responsibility.
|
POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, MA
'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
________________________________________________p
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
(I Love this child)
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
________________________________________
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
In a cocktail lounge in Norway:LADIES AREREQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE
ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON
DUTY.
In a doctor's office in Rome:
SPECIALIST IN
WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner in Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN
YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND
OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
In a Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A
WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE
LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a hotel in Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a
Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS
RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT
THURSDAY.
In a hotel in Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE
IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS
SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
In a laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR
CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
In a tourist agency in Czechoslovakia:
TAKE
ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
An advertisement for donkey rides in
Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong
Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
At an airline ticket office in Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A sign in a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE
PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Did I read that sign right?
==============================================
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
---------------------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans! -
--------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
****************************************
Local High School DropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
*********************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
*****************************************
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!
*********************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
*****************************************
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!
================================================
23 ADULT TRUTH
1.Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
=========================================================
Should I Really Join Facebook ?
(Priceless)
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group!
really quite true!!
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it!
3. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
4. Don't take life too seriously -- no one gets out alive.
5. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
6. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
8. I'm not a compete idiot -- some parts are missing!
9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
10. God must love stupid people -- He made so many!
11. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
12. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
14. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
15. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
16. Procrastinate now!
17. I have a degree in Liberal Arts -- do you want fries with that?
18. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
19. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
20. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
21. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
22. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
23. Ham and eggs -- a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
24. The trouble with life is there's no background music
25.
I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
Vitamin FI loved this and want
to share it with you...Why do I have a
variety of friends who are all so different in character? How can I get along
with them all? I think that each one helps to bring out a "different" part of
me.
With one of them I am polite. I joke with another friend.
With one of them I am polite. I joke with another friend.
I sit down and talk about serious matters with one. With another I laugh a lot. I may have a drink with one. I listen to one friend's problems. Then I listen to another one's advice for me.My friends are all like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. When completed, they form a treasure box. A treasure of friends! They are my friends who understand me better than myself, who support me through good days and bad days. We all pray together and for each other.Real Age doctors tell us that friends are good for our health. Dr. Oz calls them Vitamins F (for Friends) and counts the benefits of friends as essential to our well being. Research shows that people in strong social circles have less risk of depression and terminal strokes. If you enjoy Vitamins F constantly you can be up to 30 years younger than your real age. The warmth of friendship stops stress and even in your most intense moments it decreases the chance of a cardiac arrest or stroke by 50%.I'm so happy that I have a stock of Vitamins F!In summary, we should value our friends and keep in touch with them. We should try to see the funny side of things and laugh together, and pray for each other in the tough moments.
POWERFUL WORDS TO HELP YOU IN YOUR DAILY LIFE.
Winfrey wrote in the 1998 book (quote)
“I came from nothing,” Winfrey wrote in the 1998 book “Journey to Beloved.” “No power. No money. Not even my thoughts were my own. I had no free will. No voice. Now, I have the freedom, power, and will to speak to millions every day — having come from nowhere.” Earlier this year, Forbes scored Winfrey’s net worth at $2.7 billion.
NO SIGAS A UN AMOR QUE TE HIZO SUFRIR
No sigas a un amor que te hizo sufrir, un amor que un día se
Subject: I Fish
Subject: I Fish
After 40 years of marriage, a
husband and wife came in for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the
wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years
they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist
got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced
and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised
eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "That is what your wife needs at least
3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
http://www.tubreveespacio.com/poemas_para%20mi%20gran%20amor.htm
Something to laugh aboutWhen I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up (under duress) for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter, with only 140 characters of space.
ALMOST TOO TRUE TO BE FUNNY !!!!
Something to laugh aboutWhen I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up (under duress) for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter, with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth phone I'm supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at the local store talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
The GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light, if I made a wrong turn. Well, it was not a good relationship.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I 'tweet'. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are. Us senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door opener are about all we can handle.
THE SOUL'S MEDICINE.
MOM- JOB
JOB DESCRIPTION: DESCRIPTION
THIS IS WHAY I WOULD ASK, WHO CAME FIRST? WHO WAS NEVER A KID.This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, none of us would have done it!!!
POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, MA
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, an d battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & ;PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
laughs.
THE SOUL'S MEDICINE.
MOM- JOB
JOB DESCRIPTION: DESCRIPTION
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, none of us would have done it!!!
POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, MA
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, an d battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & ;PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
laughs.
http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newLDR_57.htm
THIS IS WHY I WOULD ASK, WHO CAME FIRST? WHO WAS NEVER A KID.
MOM- JOB
laughs.
http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newLDR_57.htm
Children Are Quick:
TEACHER: Why are you late
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
---
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
___
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
__
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell
'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
__
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
(I Love this child)
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog
___
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
__
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
__
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
__________________
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
_____________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: No, that's wrong !!
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Children Writing About the Ocean.... All You Need To Know. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.
1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6 )
2. Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(Jerry, age 6)
3. If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have
ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
(Mike , age 7)
4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
(Kylie, age 6)
5. A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 7)
6. My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.
(Millie, age 6)
7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)
8. Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
(Helen, age 6)
9. I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy, age 6)
10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)
11. When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes mywilly small.
(Kevin, age 6)
12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13. On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. big fat ass.
(Julie, age 7)
14. The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15. My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)
Spanish Words of the Day
1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: ' Maria likes me, but cheese fat.'
2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.
6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! 'Julyer!'
7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?'
9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey, harassment nothing to me.
13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.
14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
15. Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow?'
Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day..
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
----------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
--------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?
---------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Who would have thought!
---------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
-------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
--------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans! -
--------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School DropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
**********************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
*****************************************
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!
WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN WHEN WE PRAY?
I dreamed that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, 'This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received.
I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed. "How is it that there is no work going on here? I asked."
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.
"So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments."
"How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked.
"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord."
"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.
"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world."So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.""How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked."Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord.""What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked."If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world."So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.""How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked."Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord.""What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked."If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world."So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.""How does one acknowledge God 's blessings? "I asked."Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Lord.""What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked."If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world 's wealthy, and if you get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity.""If you woke up this morning with more health than illness.. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day.""If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation... You are ahead of 700 million people in the world."
"If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world.""If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you 're unique to all those in doubt and despair.......""OK," I said. "What now? How can I start?"The Angel said, "If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all." Have a good day, count your blessings.
================================================
I dialed a number and got
the following recording:** ** "I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes." * **************************************************Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!" * **************************************************A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER." **************************************************What is the definition of Mistress?Someone between the Mister and Mattress. *************************************************Husband asks,"Do you know the meaning of WIFE??* "Without Information Fighting Everytime" Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever" !"* * *************************************************What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*Stress is when wife is pregnant,* Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,* and Panic is when both are pregnant.* *************************************************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
|
=========================================================
Should I Really Join Facebook ?
(Priceless)
A good laugh for people in the over 50 group !
really quite true!!
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook , so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.
I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.
I am not ready to live like this.
I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.
I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.
I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead.
Well, it was not a good relationship.When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.
We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.The world is just getting too complex for me.
They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.
"Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me.
I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot.
"P.S. I know some of you are not over 50.
To those who are senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets.
The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can andle!
====================================================
25 One Liners to Make You Smile
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it!
3. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
4. Don't take life too seriously -- no one gets out alive.
5. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
6. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
8. I'm not a compete idiot -- some parts are missing!
9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
10. God must love stupid people -- He made so many!
11. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
12. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
14. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
15. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
16. Procrastinate now!
17. I have a degree in Liberal Arts -- do you want fries with that?
18. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
19. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
20. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
21. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
22. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
23. Ham and eggs -- a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
24. The trouble with life is there's no background music
25. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
Vitamin FI loved this and want to share it with you...Why do I have a variety of friends who are all so different in character? How can I get along with them all? I think that each one helps to bring out a "different" part of me.
With one of them I am polite. I joke with another friend.
With one of them I am polite. I joke with another friend.
I sit down and talk about serious matters with one. With another I laugh a lot. I may have a drink with one. I listen to one friend's problems. Then I listen to another one's advice for me.My friends are all like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. When completed, they form a treasure box. A treasure of friends! They are my friends who understand me better than myself, who support me through good days and bad days. We all pray together and for each other.Real Age doctors tell us that friends are good for our health. Dr. Oz calls them Vitamins F (for Friends) and counts the benefits of friends as essential to our well being. Research shows that people in strong social circles have less risk of depression and terminal strokes. If you enjoy Vitamins F constantly you can be up to 30 years younger than your real age. The warmth of friendship stops stress and even in your most intense moments it decreases the chance of a cardiac arrest or stroke by 50%.I'm so happy that I have a stock of Vitamins F!In summary, we should value our friends and keep in touch with them. We should try to see the funny side of things and laugh together, and pray for each other in the tough moments.
POWERFUL WORDS TO HELP YOU IN YOUR DAILY LIFE.
Winfrey wrote in the 1998 book (quote)
“I came from nothing,” Winfrey wrote in the 1998 book “Journey to Beloved.” “No power. No money. Not even my thoughts were my own. I had no free will. No voice. Now, I have the freedom, power, and will to speak to millions every day — having come from nowhere.” Earlier this year, Forbes scored Winfrey’s net worth at $2.7 billion.
NO SIGAS A UN AMOR QUE TE HIZO SUFRIR
No sigas a un amor que te hizo sufrir, un amor que un día se
olvidó de ti y lo peor, un amor que un día se fue de ti!!! No
confíes en alguien que te dijo: 'te lo juro', 'que lloró', y luego, te
reemplazó sin ningún dolor. Recuerda: 'Quien se va sin ser echado,
vuelve sin ser llamado'. Esta noche, justo a la media noche tu amor
verdadero se va a dar cuenta de que te AMA!!! ...
'♥♥'Si algun día, despertaras en un cuarto rojo con las puertas y ventanas cerradas, NO TE ASUSTES!!...es que estas dentro de mi corazón!!!!.
olvidó de ti y lo peor, un amor que un día se fue de ti!!! No
confíes en alguien que te dijo: 'te lo juro', 'que lloró', y luego, te
reemplazó sin ningún dolor. Recuerda: 'Quien se va sin ser echado,
vuelve sin ser llamado'. Esta noche, justo a la media noche tu amor
verdadero se va a dar cuenta de que te AMA!!! ...
'♥♥'Si algun día, despertaras en un cuarto rojo con las puertas y ventanas cerradas, NO TE ASUSTES!!...es que estas dentro de mi corazón!!!!.
THIS WILL HELP YOU ONLY IF YOU PRACTICE AND/OR DO IT!.
* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
* Never buy a car you can't push.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once
* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
The 13 secret to obtain whatever you want in life.
Plus the 3 to master your life
1). The power of thought.
2). Desire: the
3). Faith: Visualizing and believing. In the attainment of desires.
4). Autosuggestion: The medium for influencing the subconscious mind.
5). Specialize knowledge: Person experience or observation.
6). Imagination: The workshop of the mind.
7). Organize Planing: The crystallization of desire onto action.
8). Decision: The mastery of PROCRASTINATION.
9). Persistence: The sustained effort necessary to induce FAITH.
10). Power of the master mind: The driving FORCE.
11). The mystery of the sex Transmutation.
12.). The subconscious Mind: The connecting Links.
13). The brain: A Broadcasting and Receiving Station for thought.
14). The Sixth Sense: The door to the Temple of WISDOM.
15). How to outwit the six ghosts of the fear.(clearing the brain for riches)
16). The devil's Workshop. (the seventh basic evil).IF you repeat a million times the famous Emil Coue Formula: "day by day, in every way, I am getting better and better" without mixing emotion and faith with words, you will experience no desirable result. Your subconscious mind recognizes and acts only upon thoughts that have well mixed with emotion or feeling.
Querido MundoQuerido Mundo, la mujer que está leyendo esto es hermosa, elegante y fuerte y la quiero mucho. Ayúdala a vivir su vida al máximo. Por favor promuévela y también sus objetivos para que exceda sus expectativas. Ayúdala a brillar en los lugares más oscuros donde es imposible amar. Protégela siempre.. levántala cuando más te necesite y has que sepa cuando camina a tu lado; Ella estará a salvo siempre.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGhttp://www.7steps2success.net/7steps2success.net/Positive_Thinking.html?gclid=CKDMipuNq68CFasDtgodZw8dZwRW3q_SkmM&feature=player_embedded#!
MY NEW PHILOSOPHY....FINALLY - Someone is bitchy enough to say it like it REALLY is!
Woman and the ForkThere was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things 'in order,' she contacted Her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. 'There's one more thing,' she said excitedly.. 'What's that?' came the Pastor's reply? 'This is very important,' the young woman continued. 'I want to be buried with a fork in my Right hand.' The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say. That surprises you, doesn't it?' the young woman asked. 'Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request,' said the Pastor. The young woman explained. 'My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part Because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!' So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Keep your fork ..the best is yet to come.' The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, 'What's with the fork?' And over and over he smiled. During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about The fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel , indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. Cherish the time you have , and the memories you share. Being friends with someone is not an opportunity, but a sweet responsibility. |
I. Introduction/Thesis
A. Background
B. In “To His Coy Mistress,” Andrew Marvell uses rhyme, imagery and tone in order to convince his mistress to give her virginity to him.
II. Stanza I
A. “Had we but world enough, and time, This coyness, lady, were no crime(792).”
B. Analysis
C. “Two hundred to adore each breast, But thirty thousand to rest.” (792).
D. Analysis
E. “For, lady, you deserve this state, Nor would I love at lower rate.” (792).
F. Analysis
III. Stanza II
A. “But at my back I always hear Time’s wingéd chariot hurrying near;” (792).
B. Analysis
C. “And your quaint honor turn to dust, And into ashes all my lust (792).”
D. Analysis
E. “The grave’s a fine and private place, But none, I think, do there embrace”(792).
F. Anaysis
IV. Stanza III
A. Now therefore, while the youthful hue Sits on thy skin like morning dew,”(792).
B. Analysis
C. “Now let us sport us while we may, And now, like amorous birds of prey,”(792).
D. Analysis
E. And tear our pleasures with rough strife Thorough the iron gates of life:”(793).
F. Analysis
V. Conclusion
A. Reinstate thesis
Reply
See this post in context
Unsubscribe from this forum Unsubscribe from all forums Thesis.
laughs.___________________________________________________________
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
----------------------------------
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. _____________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell
'crocodile?'GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
________________________________________________p
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
(I Love this child)
_______________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog
_____________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....______________________________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: No, that's wrong !!
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
_________________________________________
Spanish Words of the Day
1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: ' Maria likes me, but cheese fat.'
2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.
6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! 'Julyer!'
7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?'
9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.
11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
12. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, honey, harassment nothing to me.
13. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.
14. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
15. Green Pink Yellow
When the phone green, I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow?'
Did I read that sign right?
======================================================TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) **********************************************************
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day..
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans! -
--------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School DropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again! ***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
================================================*****************************************
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!
========================================================================23 ADULT TRUTH
1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
7. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
**************************************************
I dialed a number and got the following recording:** **
"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes." * **************************************************Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!" * **************************************************A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER." **************************************************What is the definition of Mistress?Someone between the Mister and Mattress. *************************************************Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??*"Without Information Fighting Everytime" Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever" !"* * *************************************************What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*Stress is when wife is pregnant,* Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,* and Panic is when both are pregnant.* *************************************************A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,"Are all these kids yours?"* The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints". *************************************************A young boy asks his Dad,
"What is the difference between confident and confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential." **************************************************Nominated as the best short joke this year...A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied. *************************************************
http://www.masaru-emoto.net/english/water-crystal.html
Keep a SMILE on your face ~ And a SONG in your heart!A smile - is a sign of joy.A hug - is a sign of love.A laugh - is a sign of happiness.And a friend like me?- Well that's just a sign of good taste-!We'll be friends until I am senile.Then we'll be NEW friends. QUERIDO MUNDO, LA MUJER QUE ESTÁ LEYENDO ESTO ES HERMOSA, ELEGANTE Y FUERTE Y LA QUIERO MUCHO. AYÚDALA A VIVIR SU VIDA AL MÁXIMO. POR FAVOR PROMUÉVELA Y TAMBIÉN SUS OBJETIVOS PARA QUE EXCEDA SUS EXPECTATIVAS. AYÚDALA A BRILLAR EN LOS LUGARES MÁS OSCUROS DONDE ES IMPOSIBLE AMAR. PROTÉGELA SIEMPRE.. LEVÁNTALA CUANDO MÁS TE NECESITE Y HAS QUE SEPA CUANDO CAMINA A TU LADO; ELLA ESTARÁ A SALVO SIEMPRE. |
Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly
spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in
the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut
LINKS
- http://www.lahora.com.ec/
23 ADULT TRUTH1.Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.
7. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
NO SIGAS A UN AMOR QUE TE HIZO SUFRIR
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
